“I believe that we can do it. We can do it!”

Angelina, a 20-year-old student from Ukraine, talks about her experience of living during the war, her constant fear for her loved ones and her loss of hope for the future. Our columnist Iryna Hanenkova has put down her story.

Hello, I’m Angelina, I’m 20 years old and I’m polysexual. I study in Kyiv, but I am not originally from here. I’m here to tell you how the full-scale invasion has affected my life.

So, I’m from a small town, and when the invasion started, I was sleeping peacefully in my bed, unsuspecting. But soon I woke up to an explosion. My mother came into my room and stated the fact: ‘The war has begun.’

Shortly before that, we wanted to move to the west to be less exposed to the attack, but for some reason we delayed it until the end. On the very first day, the airfield in my place was blown up and the railway tracks were blocked, so there was nowhere to run.

The next day, the usual entry and exit points to the city were mined. It so happened that it was convenient for the orcs to go straight to Kyiv through us, so every day the army was getting closer and closer. It was scary. Very scary. All the time there were explosions and sounds of air defence.

We were hiding and sleeping in the unheated bathroom, blocking the window with bricks and boards. Since the house was wooden, it did not guarantee any safety, only the bathroom made of stone provided some security. Usually, we still climbed into the cellar, but it was old and there was a chance that it would simply collapse from the slightest breeze. It was also cold there, and I didn’t want to get sick, given that besides me and my parents, there was also a little sister.

Also, in the early days, all the food from the stores was simply raked over. There were long queues all the time.

I remember going to the convenience store with my dad. Since there was no transport, we would leave at 6 o’clock in the morning to be at the store at 7 o’clock, and when you arrived, you were already the tenth in line, even though the store started working at 11 o’clock. Or the queues for milk at the grocery store, where you stand for two hours for a litre of milk.

It was hard, but in principle, I had everything I needed.

Feelings and consequences

Of course, it was stress that affected my perception of loud sounds. You always listen to what’s going on outside. At the moment, I can’t help but be frightened by thunder and lightning, as well as fireworks, which give me unpleasant flashbacks.

I also feel panic and fear when I hear or see planes or helicopters, because there is always a chance that it is the enemy. And it is frightening.

As for my mental state, I think I was depressed even before the war, but since the beginning of the full-scale invasion, everything has become worse. You are always stressed and afraid for your life and the lives of your loved ones. Luckily, all my closest relatives are alive, but I don’t even know and don’t want to imagine what would happen if they were gone.

I’m very scared for my father and relatives who are actually of military age. They can be served with a call-up at any time.

In the best case scenario, it’s a quick death, in the worst case scenario, it’s a crippled life, at least mentally, in addition to the physical. So there is a chance that your dad, friend, brother or uncle will come back alive, but they will not come back the same. Never again. Because war really changes, it destroys.

It is also very difficult to make any plans for the future and have any ambitions when there may not be a tomorrow. So now my most hated question is: ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’. The answer is simple: ‘Nowhere. I don’t see it. I can’t see’. And it’s really scary.

I want to be with my loved ones more. I want to appreciate the moments. However, not everyone has the opportunity. Many people have gone abroad, so yes, it’s sad.

I don’t know if there is an end to all this and when the war will end, but I hope it will be soon. Because every day means lives are lost. Unjustly ruined because of the whims of some donkey and his vassals. But we are Ukrainians, we are strong, so I believe that we can do it. We can do it!

This is how you can donate

INDIVIDUAL HELP Munich Kyiv Queer has its own fundraising campaign via https://www.paypal.me/ConradBreyer to support queer people in Ukraine who are in need or on the run. Why? Because not all LGBTIQ* are organised in the local LGBTIQ*-groups. This help is direct, fast and free of charge if you choose the option “For friends and family” on PayPal. If you don’t have PayPal, you can alternatively send money to the private account of Conrad Breyer, speaker of Munich Kyiv Queer, IBAN: DE427015000021121454.

All requests from the community are meticulously checked in cooperation with our partner organisations in Ukraine. If they can help themselves, they take over. If the demands for help exceed their (financial and/or material) possibilities, we will step in.

HELP FOR LGBTIQ* ORGANISATIONS To support LGBTIQ* in Ukraine we have helped set up the Alliance Queer Emergency Aid Ukraine, in which around 40 German LGBTIQ* Human Rights organisations are involved. All these groups have access to very different Human Rights organisations in Ukraine and use funds for urgently needed care or evacuation of queer people. Every donation helps and is used 100 percent to benefit queer people in Ukraine. Donate here

VULNERABLE GROUP And here you can find out why queer people in war need our support.

Questions? www.MunichKyivQueer.org/help

Back to overview